Why I am a Fucking Artist

Here’s the short answer…I have no other choice. I have to be one. I need to be one. 

Now, if you give a shit enough to keep reading here’s the long answer.

One, I have support. I grew up with a support system that not many receive as young people no matter the career choice. My grandmother and father are both wonderful artists. My grandma Clara focused more on nature, portraits, oil painting, traditional sketching and other mediums such as wood burning and carving. She embraced the digital wave as well but is classically trained. My father is and was as a kid, deeply inspired by comics, superheroes, high action and horror. Famous early concept artists like Frank Frazetta and 80s era Frank Miller. A huge focus on values, contrast and impact within an image.

So here I am, the culmination of two generations of artistry now with the influence of the modern age. My father has always been deeply involved in my education as an artist, even when it was difficult financially. He taught me everything he knew, shape and form, values and contrast. He was/is always proud of my works, without judgment and criticism, only kind and honest critique. Even now, he and my grandma have always offered support with safety and also monetarily. My dad shared with me his own lessons from a great concept artist Hardy Fowler and the exceptional Anthony Jones. 

Now, I did have similar inclinations towards beasts, creatures, and animals of today as a kid. I was always creating new creatures, breaking them down into even their skeletal structures! I adored dinosaurs, dragons, and fantastical worlds. I loved nature, horses and wolves(of course lol “horse girl”). So I have always been pulled towards the world of concept art and design. As you see here on Artemisia you can see the natural influences of my grandmother and father through their guidance and support. 

Onto the second thing! My anxiety. Yes, yes I know…sounds a little questionable because why would you choose a career path so unstable? It requires me to not only be an artist but also a business owner with little to no security and so much confusion(especially around tax season holy shit). But here me out. In congruence with my passion, my anxiety reared its head. My anxiety has always been with me, since I was maybe six years old. I didn’t have a name for it and oftentimes didn’t know why I was acting so different from my peers. It wasn’t just social, it was persistent and still is to this day. Panic attacks with no warning and worsening into my high school years and now into my young adulthood. 

I have tried many times to get normal jobs(mind you this was all during COVID): housekeeping, receptionist, even barista. Housekeeping killed my soul and passion. Receptionist was stable for a time but I needed a lot of support to avoid anxiety and panic attacks. Barista gave me such a bad panic attack I bled from my nose and nearly passed out. I still won’t show my face at that place and it’s been over two years. I also have huge anxiety hurdles when it comes to driving in particular. 

So, I lean on the one thing I have zero anxiety over. Art. Working with clientele, managing a website, marketing and business is easier for me than being a barista(what the fuck?). Art is one of the only things I am confident I can handle. Even though it limits my financial security and freedom, gives me headaches every day and often feels impossible to succeed in…I am still here.

Segway into the third reason I am still a goddamn artist. I am a stubborn son of a bitch. It enrages me that artists are often devalued, looked over and abused in almost all professional spaces. I am heartbroken knowing that art, music, and creative endeavors of all kinds are pushed aside even though we consume art voraciously and take it for granted. Now, this may point to my general issues with capitalism because I feel we’re all taken advantage of in this world monetarily. 

The rise of AI, the vast economic crises going on, human rights being played like poker chips by the upper 1% simply make me want to succeed more. I don’t want AI to create my art. I want it to be used in healthcare, sciences, coding and other such ventures. I want it to be thoroughly developed, not thrown out willy-nilly to the public as test subjects. Right now there have been severe personal data breaches, mass layoffs, and goddamn child pornography shared with AI. The goddamn Epstein files, corrupt politicians, pissing contests over oil, and corporate overreach all while this earth is screaming for us to stop. 

Unfortunately I have to survive in this world, so I have to engage with capitalism by selling prints and doing commissions, taxes etc. With everything going on, living through COVID and all of the dominoes that have fallen since…I simply can’t fail. I won’t be a part of this cog in the wheel world. I will try my hardest to live smaller, require less and still live peacefully with a fulfilling life. I want my pieces to be bought and gifted with love to others, kept for years and passed down. Even if they’re enjoyed for a short while they can be meaningful. I will always encourage the full usage of something whether I sell clothes, stickers, prints etc. If I have a canvas print that you get sick of, paint over it! Sell it! Give it away! If there is an old shirt you don’t fit anymore that you bought from me, give it to a friend! Turn into a patch! If you still like the design then frame it on your wall! 

I am an imperfect person trying my best, I will make mistakes and have to do things I don’t want to do to survive. I am not looking to make six figures to live, I am not even looking to have children or anything like that. I want to live small, with a tiny house built by my hands, a food forest garden, maybe a few chickens and a simple life. I want to repair the things I own or turn them into something new if possible. 

My life is in shades of gray, but I am stubborn. I am determined and a touch delusional to think that I can make this all work. Know that now, anyone who has stuck around and is still reading. I won’t be perfect but please believe I’m trying and I will do my best to not give up. That’s why I am a fucking artist.